'Acting As If'

I remember my  first job out of college, working in the mountains at a residential treatment center for children who had been removed from their homes due to emotional problems. They lived in small cottages with staff who supervised their daily activities and provided a stable environment for them to learn and grow, and hopefully return home. My interview there was my first, and only, interview as a new graduate, and I decided to show up as the outgoing, confident young woman I wanted to become. When they hired me, I had to step into that persona and be that adult.

For years I thought I had followed the advice to 'act as if' when I accepted that job, that I pretended to be outgoing and slowly became outgoing as a result, doing something until it seems real. In grad school I was taught it was helpful for clients to learn this skill, and it is still promoted in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. "Whatever you want to be, just do it long enough and you'll become it. Talk yourself out of your anxiety and just fake it til you make it. Your fears will then be a thing of the past."

I now have serious doubts about those statements. Was it really acting as if I were outgoing that helped me move past my shyness, or did I simply take actions to move in that direction despite my fears? Did my thoughts actually change as I took risks, did I suddenly stop being afraid, or did I simply begin living a life I enjoyed and my worries became less important?

I vote for the second explanation. The evidence?  I still feel anxiety in many situations. My shyness still pokes out in unexpected places. My thoughts still take odd turns and tell me to become more invisible and less 'out there.' That first job was 38 years ago, and those thoughts still haunt me. They should be gone by now if 'acting as if' were enough.

In my work with athletes, they often share with me the advice they receive from their coaches or trainers: "Focus. Concentrate. Get rid of the negative thoughts. Tell yourself positive thoughts." These are athletes who have no problem spending hours repeating the same putt over and over to increase their skill, or weeks perfecting the approach to a jump in the riding arena. They aren't slackers when it comes to working hard to improve their skills. They tackle their negative thoughts with the same enthusiasm, only to find they keep sneaking back in, sometimes quietly and sometimes with a huge roar.

Which is why I don't bother with 'acting as if.' I share the lesson I took away from that first job: show up, know why you are there, and do something. I did things in that job that scared me. I learned to speak up and voice my opinion when I was afraid I'd look stupid. I didn't wait for the fear to go away or pretend it wasn't there. I took action even though I was scared, or shy or unsure. I showed up at meetings, I confronted people when it was appropriate, I set limits with the kids, I learned to say no. I focused on the task, on the 'doing,' and not on faking it. I paid attention to what I cared about, and that was being real, being present, and doing good work. I pay attention to the same things to this day.